can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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