Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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