When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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