Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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