I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We're too hungover to prance.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
