so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
