my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
