Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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