nut hugger
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All the doctor said was why
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
