people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just want to make out with him forever
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
