I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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