I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
