Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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