"it" just moved
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
