Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
