i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smell like Dick and happiness
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
