I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
