so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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