took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
