I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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