I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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