just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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