a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
