I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just threw up on my dentist
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
