My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
