Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
