No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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