i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
