I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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