Just fell off a train. Bad.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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