She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
