Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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