Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
