I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
