I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
