Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
