happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
