$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
