I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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