As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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