why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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