hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
