Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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