she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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