i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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