just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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