I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
