ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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