You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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