Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
