Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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