She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
