somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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