I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
soo... how was my night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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